For years, it felt like there was a war going on inside me. There was the severe inner critic, the wave of insecurity, the part that felt deep shame, and more.
I saw them all as enemies, as parts of myself that I needed to fix, change, defeat, or overcome, any of those would have worked as long as I could just get rid of them.
I never had much of a “man up” mentality, or an idea of pushing through the pain. I just wanted to do away with these sides of myself that were such obstacles to living the life I wanted.
Looking back I see how exhausting that was, trying to fix and change and overcome all these difficult emotions. And honestly, it never really worked. I may have found some things to help manage challenging moments, but true healing of the underlying issues seemed light years away.
The journey I want to document here at ifsrecovery.com is about finding a different way, because a huge turning point came when I discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the core message from Richard Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts.
The ideas of IFS were revolutionary and so was the book title: No Bad Parts! It’s revolutionary because what Schwartz proposes is that what we often label as our flaws, our ‘bad’ sides – the inner critic, the saboteur, the the rageful part, etc – aren’t actually bad at all. Instead, IFS sees them as self-protective mechanisms that took on extreme roles, often in childhood or during traumatic times, trying desperately to keep us safe.
That critical part I hated? What I learned in IFS is that it tries fiercely to prevent me from repeating a past mistake that led to deep hurt or shame. The insecure part? Has been shielding a younger, more vulnerable part (an ‘Exile’ in IFS terms) that felt abandoned and worthless.
The crucial point that helped me begin to heal was understanding that intentions of our parts are always protective, even if their methods cause suffering sometimes. These protective parts believe they have to act the way they do, to prevent catastrophe.
Learning to see my inner world through this lens, as Schwartz describes, shifted everything. Instead of fighting these parts, I started trying to approach them with curiosity and compassion – qualities of what IFS calls the ‘Self’, our core of wisdom and healing.
Turning within, I now gently ask parts of myself: “What are you trying to protect me from?” or “What are you afraid would happen if you let go?” Asking this doesn’t make them disappear instantly, but it changes the whole dynamic. It replaces the inner warfare with the possibility of understanding and healing.
As Schwartz writes, these parts deserve our understanding and love. They are like “sacred, spiritual beings” trying their best. When they feel seen and appreciated by our core Self, they can eventually unburden the pain they carry and transform, returning to their essential goodness. It’s not about getting rid of parts; it’s about listening to them, validating, and welcoming them home.
This journey of embracing “no bad parts” hasn’t been always easy. It’s a complete mindset shift that takes time to grasp and practice day in and day out. But it’s brought more self-compassion and inner peace than I thought possible. It’s also become foundational to the healing journey I explore here, and I hope sharing it offers a little light on your own path.